Sunday, 24 August 2014

Learning To Let Go

I've always thought I'd have three children. It's always been the DNA of my dreams. 

I'm from three girls, and I thought that I too would have three children. 

And now here I am, 35, the bread winner, and with a nine year old and a six and a half year old. And no third. 

I still have the strong desire for a third, and talk incessantly to Matt about having a baby, but the further we get away - the further that feels more like it's a dream and less like it's going to be a reality.

And before anyone gets their panties in a twist and tells me how lucky I am to have two healthy, happy children - I already know. I am everyday grateful for this. They are the BEST thing I have ever done. But it doesn't make me pang any less for that third. 

This weekend we've been tidying up our house because our real estate agent has told us they're doing a routine inspection (apparently their routine is every years because that's how long it's been since the last one). 

I've been trying to get ruthless, but really struggling with getting rid of things. I've got a bag full of clothes ready to go to charity, but what's really hard is letting go of toddler toys. 

It's those things I painfully saved for when we had very little money, and buying something new for my smalls was a big deal. But it's not the money that I am thinking of, it's the memories of my two playing with those things, and the thought that I may not have another to play with them. So is it time to let these things go?

I often get people telling me we should just have another, money doesn't matter - except it does.

I'm the breadwinner, and I've talked previously about the burden of this role. I've tried to retrain my mind and think of it as what an honour it is to provide for my family, but the reality is, I miss being home. 

If I didn't work, we wouldn't be able to live. End of story. 

I had a funny discussion a few weeks ago with a female family member who declared something along the lines that women get bored being stay at home mums. I think I blew her skirt up when I flipped everything around and told her I would love to be a stay at home mum, or at least home more often mum. 

I don't romanticise being a stay at home mum, I was lucky enough to do it for a short period when the Doctor was small - it's hard, monotonous work, but just being with my kids - well that would fill up my buckets. 

For now, I'm going to keep trying to declutter in increments. It's less painful that way. 


Reannon @shewhorambles said...

Lexi I'm not telling you what to do but I will say this- don't let go unless you are positive you are ready to say goodbye to the idea of three kids. Look at me- a 14 yr old, 11.5 yr old, 16 month old & 4 month old! The age gap does not matter & your age doesn't matter too much either ( I'm 35). Yes the money thing does matter but it's not completely not doable.
Hugs to you lady xxx

Tahnee said...

I agree with Reannon, Lexi - don't let go if you're not 100% sure. I always thought we would have four - I am one of four, and I loved being one of four. Each time we decided to have a baby, we had a baby - no thought was given to money because we knew we would be okay - but it broke my heart a little that our decision not to go round again was because of the money.. I knew we would struggle to provide the life we want to for the kids as they grow (and us as a family), and it took me some time to move past it and accept that that part of our journey was behind us, and then be okay with passing on most of the baby stuff (of course I still kept a lot for sentimental reasons). It sounds as though there is more of you not okay with letting go - so don't. Lots of love xxx

Toni Brockliss said...

I would have loved to have oodles and oodles of children but had 3 pretty large factors against me - my age, I lost 4 to miscarriage and both the gorgeous and wonderful children I have are special needs. I am 42 and I still have a pang in my heart when I see babies.....but it doesn't mean I can't mother in other ways. I would love to foster.
The thing I have come to realise is that life takes us in all different ways. People always think if you hit the freeway you have the best journey. I am more the dirt road with potholes and detours.....but it doesn't make my way any less wrong then the freeway.

Jayne Hughes said...

I get it, hugs to you lovely lady x

mogantosh said...

Stick them in a cupboard Lex. (The toys not the babies.) You have time on your side for a while yet.I still feel sad at not having more - I always imagined four or five...I think lots of women know when they are 'done' but lots of us never do. xx

Claerwen said...

I feel for you - what a hard dilemma. I hope u can find a way to have another xx Claerwen

Clare from Checks and Spots said...

Oh lady - I'm hearing you! I always thought I'd have three children, but it's only in the last few months I've realised that this isn't going to be the case for our family. I honestly have peace with that...our family feels complete...but I don't yet have peace with the fact that our newborn days are over. I guess I'll just have to be the crazy lady that goes around sniffing the heads of my friend's new babies! xx

Candice said...

I feel you on this one. I'd love a boatload, but the sad fact is I'm a one trick pony when it comes to babies. It's pants. Big love xx